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Some Days
09 February 2004 @ 8:37 a.m.
Some days it is impossible to stick to your guns about things you thought you were firm on. Some days someone walks in and surprises you over and over again. Some days you finally feel content to sleep. Some days seem perfect right up to the end before it all comes crashing down.
* * *
He came back from a project meeting with a PS2. A PS2, extra controller, four games, and the proper cords to fit my tv were in a bag in his hands as he walked through the door. I was folding laundry and watching old movies when he came in following through with a threat he�d made earlier in the day as well as a while back.
The devil box is sitting next to my tv right now. He even purchased two games that I said I liked or thought I would like. He wants it to stay here. He says it�s ours.
Ever so slowly, property seems to become communal. I�ve been very firm on not having any personal items left at each other�s abodes, but now he has a book here and the PS2. He keeps a 2-litre of diet soda in his fridge, I keep regular soda around.
He�s even joined me in the Sunday evening ritual of watching Sex in the City (only one week left!) while doing my nails or whatnot. Only right now, I don�t feel smothered. I don�t feel as though I�m losing my independence. I honestly feel as though I have someone to take care of now. Now and what is looking to be forever.
* * *
I wound up going to bed really early last night. I was tired and finally content enough to just lay there reading by myself as he was still here playing with the new toy. He came in later causing both of us to stay up a bit just talking and giggling (yes, this ogre of a man giggles � it�s great). The lights were out and all was quiet as he kissed me goodnight just before I fell asleep. I, the fool, opened my eyes and in the shadows and my horrible eyesight, I literally saw J�s face and I almost screamed.
I was not thinking about J at that time. I was enjoying falling asleep next to Chewba. But my eyes played tricks on me and showed me J�s face. I would up running to the bathroom and crying for longer than I should have. The tears of the past few days flowed up again showing me that yes, I was truly capable of ruining this relationship as well with my stupidity.
But this time, he was still in bed half asleep when I came back. I curled up in his arms and allowed myself to sleep constantly telling myself that this isn�t J and he isn�t going to hurt you like that � at least not tonight.
Thankfully, I woke up with him spooning behind me sound asleep and peaceful. It�s almost like late last night was a nightmare � but I know the fear still resides in me and will show its ugly face again.
* * *
Now it�s time to head off to campus for the day. It�s snowing again, the heatwave is over. And I�m ok with that.
currently reading: -
currently listening: Entire MP3 list (currently on Irene Cara�s Fame)
