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This is What I Do
15 September 2003 @ 4:49 p.m.
Events of the past twenty four hours consume my thoughts. So here I vent, in chronological order, said events in full. I am emotionally unstable, confused, worried, and just overwhelmed by it all.
Yesterday morning was slated to be a big Fraternity event, but due to the consistant rain it was cancelled. Turned out to be fantastic as it gave Chewba and I some quality morning time � something I cherish. The bulk of the day was spent alone in the fantabulous apartment putzing about. I was in such a decent mood that I accomplished things and was able to head to bed at a decent hour. Chewba was up at the restaurant working so I went to bed alone before midnight happily.
I awoke from a nightmare around 2:30 a.m. The dream was of House #2, I was there alone and I had a premonition of sorts that something was off. In very �Sleeping with the Enemy� style, I walked out of a room only to find a damp towel out of place. I woke just as I was running about checking locked doors and such. I was so creeped out I couldn�t fall back asleep. I just had this feeling in my chest that something was terribly wrong.
Convinced myself that it was nothing and sat here at the computer, turned the messengers on and was immediately bombarded by one of the Brothers who is currently far away. He calls me his fag hag, which is probably the closest thing to the truth for our relationship these days. Normal conversation ensues, even hit up dorknoodle for a bit as I try to calm myself down. Then the long distance Brother starts telling me how worried he is about the girl I resusetated on the beach a while back.
He�s noticed her deteriorating mentally as well � even called her a danger to herself. We talked for a while then Chewba called asking why I was awake (he saw the IM on). Turns out another Brother was talking to him about the same thing, and that she was threatening suicide and had some of her medications there with her. Chewba asked if I was interested in being �on duty� for the night, I said no, but I knew I would be.
Within twenty minutes it was confirmed that she was suicidal, Chewba ran across town to her house as I called 911 to get the police over there. A fury of instant messages and phone calls ensued between a nationwide network of Brothers all trying to keep her on the telephone so she wouldn�t run.
I am under strict orders not to drive when I�m shaken like this, but after the police called me back and asked me to come down as they weren�t successful with talking to her I did anyway. Threw on the hoodie, grabbed my phone and keys and was on the other end of town instantly.
The law requires the police to have someone threatening suicide taken to the hospital but she refused to go. Somehow (though I don�t remember how at the moment) I got her into the back of the police truck with me and we were off to the local band-aid station known as a hospital. The process began as the nurses took her unwillingly into an exam room and scooted me out. She hates this hospital with more passion than I have seen in most people.
See, her heart is going faster and faster each passing week and complications are making her ill. Bouts of endocarioitis, random blood infections, and minor heart attacks are occuring more often and she decided that if it got any worse she would end it herself.
This was her fourth attempt in the past three months.
She�s under a court order to attend regular psychiatrist appointments in the area. If she misses one she will be shipped, almost ironically, to the Father�s hospital downstate. Instead of leaving the area or seeing the shrink she didn�t like, she decided to OD on some of her meds and drive off.
Hours were spent in the hospital talking with the doctors and the police. Chewba came up with some food to keep me company and check up on her. It was a surprise I totally needed, though she didn�t really know he was there (for reasons I don�t want to get into now).
After the docs examined her, I was able to go into her room alone and talk. I thought I had made a bit of progress with the running thing she�d been threatening since, hell, I attempt to run whenever I start to get bogged down by it all. Her reasons were duplicates of my own feelings of the past and even present about friendships, family, pain, and avoidance. We talked for over an hour alone. It was one of the most progressive and honest talks I�ve had with someone in a very long time, but it wasn�t as effective as I had hoped.
The hospital released her, but sent all of her medications to the court ordered shrink to dispense. She threw an illogical fit ruining all progress I thought we�d made. All I wanted was for her to know why the five or six of us did what we did to her.
As soon as she was released back into the police custody, she bolted. Literally ran out the ambulance bay doors into the cold night. The hospital is miles from where she was staying, so I ran after her. By this time it is almost 6:00 a.m. The police officer is frustrated, I�m fading fast from lack of will, and she�s outside in shorts and a sweatshirt running around. I literally grabbed her and put her into the police truck to drive her back, with Chewba and the other Brother following behind.
Dropped her off at the Brother�s house, as that�s where she was staying, and she immediately ran into the house to gather her things so she could leave. The officer and I waited outside, semi-blocking her car in the drive until the other Brother got home � it was his turn to try to get her to stay. She refused to stay, but she let him go with her something I was very greatful for.
The officer and I stood outside talking for a bit, then I drove home wondering where Chewba had disappeared to. I truly hoped he had gone back to my place and was waiting for me � but he wasn�t. As soon as I walked in the door and realized I was alone, I lost it completely. Tears flowed hard as I paced about. Within minutes there was a knock at my door � Chewba followed me home.
We stood in my kitchen for what seemed like hours, him just holding me as I sobbed. He asked if I wanted him to stay for the remainder of the night/morning and I begged him to. The next hour was just us laying together, him holding me as I broke completely down. I�ve never ever let anyone see me that weak or fragile before. Ever.
And then he told me that it was his job to be there at that moment � that I spend so much time caring for everyone else around me someone has to take care of me. And that he wanted that to be his job now.
And I broke down even more.
This man has now said the one thing I had been waiting years to hear from someone. Years, and now here he was doing exactly the right things, saying exactly what I needed to hear and without any sort of motive.
I spent a good hour just crying silently. Crying about the weekend�s events of me being the ultimate caretaker without any sort of thanks. Crying about Chewba treating me so tenderly at the perfect moment. Crying about the last time I�d felt so vulnerable and was in J�s presence and his reaction to me. Crying in comparison between the two men. Crying about the pain my back was giving me all last night. Crying about how I was here for her, but I hadn�t been for Kerby.
I woke up in Chewba�s arms � he held me all night without me really noticing. I woke up truly drained of all willpower and control. Between the events of Friday night and then early this morning there is nothing left for me to give. Then he started telling me how great I was last night, how he thought that even though my efforts seemed worthless at the time in the long run they had true value. That I probably saved her life and that he could never have done what I did. I thanked him for staying with me and he again repeated that it is his job to take care of me.
So now I�m tired, drained, and worried. She didn�t run after we got her back � she�s still here in town though I have no idea if she went to her scheduled appointment today with the psychiatrist. I do hope she did, though a big part of me hopes they ship her down to the Father�s hospital � at least then I�ll know for certain she�d get fair and decent treatment. Plus I could call them up and ask for a bit of special treatment because of who I am � it is the least I can do for a girl I care so much for but at the moment hates me more than the world for what I did to her.
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